I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I died a long time ago.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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