No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
