God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
