You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
