I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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