why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
