Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
