I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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