$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
