I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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