does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
