Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
