I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
