Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
