I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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