it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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