i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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