i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
