if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
