wrigley field is MILF paradise
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
