Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
