I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
