It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
