i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
