My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
