She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
