Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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