I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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