Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
