you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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