i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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