I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
