You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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