Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
