He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
