So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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