just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
