Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
