Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
