My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
