I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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