I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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