don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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