Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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