Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
