some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i dont even know how to be here
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
