I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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