I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
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