I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
