Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
