What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
