Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
