Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
