I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
