I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
