My friends, they love my intelligence
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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