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Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
